Subtle Signs of Growing into Yourself
by soulmatesDC
Summary: There are some things Derek's always wanted to be, great at hockey and amazing older brother included. A coward, a deserter, his parents . . . never factored into his plans.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay, so I seem to have some trouble writing Derek in character. He's never, um . . . edgy? . . . enough for my liking, and I guess a bit too soft. I guess I just see him differently when he's older. Sorry, but like I've said before, this is fanfiction, I'm a fan, so this is how I'm writing it. I don't know where this story is going. It took me long enough to finish this ridiculously short chapter. I also don't think this will be a very long story. Maybe two chapters, maybe five, I really have no idea.

Everyone is a few years older than what they are in the show, around early college years for Derek. Also, this story is kind of inspired by a couple of songs, but I won't list them because I seem to cause people to play songs over and over until their brains explode.

Enjoy and review

Disclaimer: I own nothing

* * *

Closing the door behind him, he placed the guitar case on the floor next to the table in the hallway. Turning the lock and tossing the borrowed keys on the table, he staggered his way into the living room, dropping onto the couch to remove his shoes. He could really use a cup of coffee at the moment, but being that it was four in the morning, Derek decided against it.

Making his way into the kitchen, Derek poured himself a glass of water and stared out at the lights on the street through the huge windows. Tomorrow will be seven days. One week in this city and he still couldn't believe that it actually doesn't sleep. He was warned, told that shops wouldn't close and blazing lights would shine through the windows all the time, but he wouldn't believe it. That first night, while he stayed up contemplating his decisions, the fact that what he was told was the truth boggled his mind.

Buying the eye mask the next day to block out the light made him feel like a girl.

From a young age, noise at night never bothered him. Both his father and brother snored, and the walls in his house weren't thick enough to block out the sounds. Snoring might actually be a Venturi trait that was passed along the Y chromosome, because he had been told before that he snored, although extremely lightly and you had to be next to him to hear it. Marti, however, didn't snore at all, but she was what made him recognize his hatred of light as he slept.

Derek hadn't realized it as a child, but there was never any light in his room at night. His room was at the precise angle where the street lights didn't fall into his window and he was always too much of a 'big kid' to need a nightlight. Edwin, however, favored a nightlight growing up, but his room was down the hall from Derek's, making it impossible for him to see the faint glow coming from his younger brother's room.

Unlike Derek, Marti needed the light. And instead of the small nightlight near her bed like Edwin, she needed the hallway light on and her door cracked a bit. She told her parents that it was so that the monsters under her bed would be too afraid to come out, knowing that anyone could pass in the hallway and see them, but Derek knew the truth. He really couldn't blame her though, she was too little at the time to reach the light switch, and trying to walk down the dark hallway to his room was too scary for any four year old to endure. Besides, if he wasn't thirteen at the time, he'd probably need someone to comfort him when Abby and George were fighting, so he didn't blame Marti at all for needing the light.

It always bothered him that his parents never realized how she became so dependant on the light; or on him for that matter. He chalked it up to them being too self-absorbed in their fighting to realize that she didn't need the light until the fighting actually began.

After a couple of days of not getting sleep, tossing and turning from the small slit of light coming from under the door, Derek thought he was going to die of exhaustion. He tried everything, from moving his bed to sleeping under the covers, adding a quilt he took from the hallway closet, but the light still bothered him. The towel against the bottom of the door helped, and he got a few hours of sleep that one night, until he woke up to crying, finding Marti slumped against his door because she couldn't push it open.

Convincing his father to buy him a new door was a bit of trouble, but Derek made up some story involving the possibility of termites and wood nymphs. George finally conceded, realizing that if Derek was that adamant about something there must be a good reason. But seeing his son take out a measuring tape, checking the height of all the possible bedroom doors, was something that George never thought in a million years he would see. Then, watching Derek have the employee attach the door to the makeshift frame so he can test the ease of opening made George not even put up a fight about the fact that the door was red.

And so, years later, as he rinsed the dirty cup and put it in the draining board, he was shocked that he'd been able to sleep in the apartment that overlooked the city of bright lights with windows lacking curtains. But, he did what he had to do, even if it involved embarrassing himself with going to store to purchase the eye mask, which he was grateful they had in black.

Walking past the windows where a huge, obnoxiously bright billboard for some musical he wouldn't be able to afford at the moment lit up the whole apartment, he collapsed onto the couch and reached for the eye mask on the coffee table. And, as he dimmed the lights in his world for the time being, Derek wished that the next day would shine a little brighter for him, despite the many mistakes his heart told him he was making.

* * *

A/N2: And let's all just pretend that the scene in _Lies my Brother Told Me_ with Derek sleeping as Edwin worked at his desk with the light on doesn't exist, or he didn't get a good night's sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So sorry for taking forever to update. I had no idea where I was going with this story, and although all the details aren't exactly hashed out, I at least have a direction now. It takes me forever to write, because I'm a procrastinator, but sometimes inspiration just hits me and I write (when I should be sleeping). Hopefully I'll get hit again soon, and you won't have to wait so long for the next chapter. But, don't hold me to it.

I've decided that this story is taking place in the summer between Derek and Casey's sophomore and junior year of college. Lizzie and Edwin are three years younger than them, making it the summer between their junior and senior year of high school. Also, I know a few people asked if this is a Dasey, and it is, but the story itself is mostly about Derek.

Enjoy and review

Disclaimer: I own nothing

* * *

Incidentally, the next day didn't shine any brighter for Derek. The dark grey clouds and pelting rain drops against the large windows caused him to wake up, late, and in a terrible mood. He had planned on setting his alarm so he can wake up early enough to go out and find a job that would give him more money for less hours of work. However, after practically falling into the couch the night before, he forgot about the alarm and hadn't woken up in time to accomplish anything he wanted to.

He also wanted a job that didn't keep him up until ungodly hours of the morning, playing the guitar he found when he first entered the apartment, hoping his extremely helpful friend wouldn't hate him for using the expensive instrument without permission, for more than ten hours a night.

Besides, the smoke in the night club has been getting to him. He had thought that it was illegal to smoke in public places, but apparently the owners didn't care, as long as it kept people coming and spending money. And Derek wasn't about to call the authorities on the first place in this city that actually gave him a job. Not that he looked very hard, what with getting almost no sleep that first night and needing to find a job as fast as he could so he can start paying off the credit card he maxed out to get here.

So, the next day, six days ago, after throwing on the first outfit he pulled out of the duffel bag he packed, he left the apartment and looked around for 'Help Wanted' signs in nearby windows. With little to no experience in anything other than being a waiter for about a month until he realized having a job in high school cut too much into his life, and the job answering the phone at athletics department at his college, transferring calls to the different departments, the only thing he got his hands on was playing backup for whatever band the night club hired, every single night of the week.

So, with just enough time to take a shower, he breezed through his normal grooming routine, pulling a pair of clean jeans and the next shirt out of his duffel bag. Bending down to slip into his sneakers, he caught the design on his shirt and couldn't help the small smile that graced his lips.

It was a black tee with a small graphic design in the upper left corner, given to him by his younger step sister. He didn't show it at the time of unwrapping, but he fell in love with the shirt the minute his eyes landed on it. But Lizzie knew, and he knew that she knew, because seeing the smile on her face grow when she looked up and their eyes locked spoke volumes.

She had the shirt custom made, because he never saw the three different symbols together ever before. It was funny really, the fact that the two biggest sports buffs in the house couldn't play a single sport together until the summer after Derek graduated high school. It was an utter disaster when Derek tried to teach her how to play hockey, which caused her to stop playing after her first season. And every time they'd get together to practice soccer, he'd get frustrated at not being perfect and wound up kicking the ball over the fence and into their neighbor's yard. Unfortunately, said neighbor had grown to dislike Derek very much, and kept anything that happened to fall into his yard.

So, when he was told that part of his scholarship consisted of coaching a sport other than his concentration to a little league team, he threw caution to the wind and picked one out of a hat, finding baseball on the small slip of paper.

That summer found everyone with plans except for Lizzie. Edwin had some junior business group that he joined their freshman year in high school, Marti had summer camp with her friends and Casey had decided to take summer classes at college to get ahead; Lizzie was bored out of her mind. She had offered to be Derek's assistant coach, and he was skeptical at first, what with their problems in the past with sports, but relented when she gave the famous MacDonald pout.

It was surprising to both of them that they worked rather well together. They were both good at the sport, and she helped make the demonstrations to the seven year olds a lot easier. She'd joke around with him, making comments about how only a ball in between a hockey puck and soccer ball could bring them together. He'd laugh, ruffle her hair, but agree while they stopped for ice cream after every practice and pizza with the team after every game.

They lost horribly that first summer, making Derek feel like a complete failure. But, at the final pizza party for all the screaming children, Lizzie found him sulking by the drinks. She nudged him in the side and grinned up at him, telling him not to worry, that they'll do better next year. He felt bad, thinking she could do better things with her time, but Lizzie stood her ground and told Derek that she couldn't just leave him high and dry.

And so, Lizzie would always work her summer plans around her coaching schedule and help Derek. Finally, three summers later, they finally won the championship, each child receiving a shiny small trophy. Derek was ecstatic and thanked Lizzie profusely for helping him, to which she blushed and thanked him for including her and allowing her the chance to get closer to him. When she handed him the gift bag that was hiding behind her back, be raised an eyebrow but she just shrugged. It turned out to be one of the best gifts he'd ever received.

Fingering the small baseball, which was superimposed on a hockey puck and soccer ball, where underneath the word 'coach' was written out in bold, capital letters, Derek sighed and looked around the apartment before picking up the guitar case and grabbing the keys off the table. Stepping out and locking the door behind him, he couldn't help but think he was an idiot.

Little did he know, someone else would be calling him that before his night was over.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So, it's been months, almost five, since this story has been updated. I'd like to say that life has been unbearably busy and that I've done some amazing things in that time, but I haven't. I am really sorry, because I have had this chapter mostly finished for months, but I haven't been motivated much. I have ideas and half written stories and stuff, but no inspiration or desire to write. I should just retire. **

**So, **_**SO**_** sorry about the long wait, if anyone is even going to bother with this story anymore. And I'm not promising any time frame for the next chapter, because it's not started yet. But if there is someone who will wait, this story will eventually get to its end. Eventually.**

**Enjoy and review**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

* * *

It was a bit earlier than usual that Derek stepped out of the elevator and walked down the hallway to the apartment he was staying in. He wasn't sure if he should be happy about coming home around three instead of four in the morning, when he was used to climbing into bed around midnight with school and his summer coaching job, but right now an extra hour of sleep was looking really good to him. However, as he turned the corner that led to the door of the apartment, he stopped in his tracks at the site before his eyes.

Nervously, he shifted the weight of the guitar case in his hand while getting the keys out of his pocket. Walking calmly, something that he currently wasn't experiencing, he arrived at his destination and held his breath for a moment. His guest noticed him from the time he turned the corner, probably hearing his footsteps over the noise outside on the street as soon as he stepped off the elevator, and slowly stood from their previous sitting position up against the door.

His throat, inexplicably dry, worked through all the questions running through his head, although no sound came out of his mouth. Most likely out of pity for his inability to speak, a piece of paper was held in front of him.

"Damn," he said softly, placing the key into the lock and turning. Of course he couldn't get anything right on his own. And of all things to forget, the confirmation to his flight, which he most likely left on his printer, had to have been one of the worse things.

"Edwin's going to kill you," he heard behind him.

And suddenly, he felt weighed down by the only credit card in his wallet. It wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't just buy all of his school books for the next semester, as well as make a payment on the car that was now sitting idly on the street hundreds of miles away.

Derek wasn't so much afraid of Edwin, he was just upset with himself for possibly disappointing him and screwing up everything he had done for Derek.

It had been hard for Derek to realize that his younger brother had grown out of the childishness that Derek seemed stuck in. Edwin always thought about situations before jumping into them, always weighed the pros and cons before choosing the best option, always been more leveled headed than Derek. And well, Derek never really thought about the consequences beforehand, until his kid brother had to help him dig himself out of the hole he dug himself into.

Credit card companies had been sending things to the MacDonald/Venturi residence for years before Derek was of age to actually fill them out and send them back. But as soon as he could, he sent for as many cards as he was able to. He knew how credit worked and he understood that it wasn't free money, but for once in his life he was able to buy anything he wanted without having to ask his father for a loan or advance on his allowance. And when that first shiny card came in the mail, with his name stamped into it, what little sense he possessed went out the window.

Everything and anything was charged. New guitar strings and shoulder straps, vintage t-shirts, presents for family members, cup holders for his chair in the living room, a new bedspread because he was too lazy to wash his old one, and anything else that caught his fancy. It had become an addiction. He'd see something and he'd have to have it, simple as that.

A couple of months later Derek didn't want to admit that he was in trouble. His monthly payments were far exceeding his income and he really didn't want to go to his father for help. A lecture would have been involved and Derek really didn't want to walk away feeling smaller than he already felt.

Edwin must have noticed the expression Derek would get every time the mail arrived. So, it was a complete shock when Edwin walked into Derek's room as he contemplated burning all of the credit card bills on his desk. Derek would have laughed at how silly Edwin looked, with his plastic green visor that brokers wore in movies from the 80s and early 90s, along with a calculator that actually printed out everything that was keyed into it.

Nothing was said as Edwin pulled a folding chair up to Derek's desk, taking the bills from Derek and calculating the full amount Derek owed. It was a long process, watching his younger brother look through every piece of paper and highlighting the last payments made. Derek almost missed the small notepad that Edwin brought with him if he didn't hear the rustling the pages made when Edwin had to check back at something he wrote.

About an hour later Edwin leaned back in the chair and took the visor off his head, running a hand through his hair before replacing the cap. "This isn't good," Edwin said and Derek's face fell. "But, it's doable." Derek decided not to make a comment on Edwin's choice of words.

Derek wasn't sure what to think when Edwin came to him the next day and told him that he had to open another credit card. It seemed idiotic and for a moment Derek thought that Edwin wanted him to fail at life, more so than he already was, if only to prove that Edwin had a better head on his shoulders. Derek barely heard the explanation until Edwin mentioned something about transferring balances and canceling old cards. Derek had to stop him and back track until he finally understood Edwin's plan.

It had taken close to two and a half years before Derek paid off most of his debt. Edwin had set up weekly meetings where they could discuss Derek's finances and so he could teach his older brother his own frugal ways. Derek initially hated it, feeling like a shoddy older brother, needing to rely on someone a lot younger than him to help him out of a bad situation. If Marti had come in one day and began to offer advice, Derek would have contemplated jumping out his window.

Although it took so long for him to pay his bills off, it didn't take very long for Edwin to rub off on him. Their weekly meetings went from Edwin giving advice to the brothers just hanging out. And Derek was extremely touched when Edwin came into his room on a night that a meeting wasn't scheduled, looking sheepish while he asked Derek for advice on some girl in his class. Despite how small Derek had felt for needing Edwin's help, it meant more to him than anything that Edwin still looked up to him as an older brother.

But now, seeing the confirmation for the plane ticket, Derek saw Edwin's frowning face in his mind.

"He doesn't know yet," Derek heard, even though his mind was still miles away, in another time and place. "He's worried," brought him back to the present, where he now saw blue eyes instead of brown, long brown hair instead of a messy dark mop. "We all are."

Derek just nodded, knowing it was true and feeling worse for making everyone feel that way. Wondering if Marti walked into an empty bedroom the night before, if Lizzie forfeited the final games of the season, if Edwin hacked his computer and checked his account activity, even though they both knew his password would only be one thing.

"You're an idiot," Casey told him, leaning against the front door and staring at him in a way he's grown accustomed to, but still made him tingle slightly, never finding the right words to describe it.

"I know."


End file.
